2018: A Foreword
I think it’s safe to say when came into this year fighting, and we’re leaving it with a limp and two black eyes. I don’t know quite how we’re meant to feel about 2017 ending, but I do know that we are different people now than we were before it.
Let’s start with the elephant in the room shall we? We lost some amazing people this year. People who didn’t deserve to leave us this early. Lost by people who didn’t deserve to lose them. I’ve never known cruelty like it, and I don’t think I believe in God any more. I look back on Christmas just two years ago, before it all went wrong and we were so unaware of how lucky we were. But maybe, someday in the future, we’ll be saying the same of today.
The loss faced this year has really ran a few things home to me. In my life I’ve treat some very good people very badly, and I’ve treat some very bad people very good. But here’s the thing, I’ve learned that there are no bad people. There are only weak people. This doesn’t change the hurt we all have the potential to cause, but it does give us a more honest reflection. I don’t say this from a place of strength, I’ve learned this through experience. Weakness is not about pain, though the two can come hand in hand. Weakness is about surrendering to that pain, and letting it become who you are. This is different from becoming overwhelmed by pain, I don’t think this is surrendering to it but rather drowning in it. Either way, they, you, and everyone else deserves better.
The main thing in mind is what my goals will be for 2018. Is it possible to salvage it from the aftershocks of this year? I’m not sure it is, and to be honest I’m not sure I want to. I don’t want to sweep it all aside. I want to keep the things I’ve learned from people in my toolkit, I have a feeling I’ll need it. 2018 is venturing into the unknown, which once I would have found exciting, but now it feels somewhat daunting. I’ve made a lot of progress, on and off for the past year. I’m discovering who I am, which has required a lot of digging through layers of insecurity and defence mechanisms then crawling my way back out again. Which, in itself is difficult. But, it is by no means the beginning and end of the journey. It can be a very painful journey to discover some very simple truths; the main one being that I am human.
For far too long I have ran my life around my ego, and then the damage I’ve caused in trying to protect it. I know I am far from alone in this, but when it comes to specifics we are often left feeling alone. I’ve been set on self destruct for a long time and was determined to take people with me. I’ve been very angry with myself for a long time. I’ve been very angry with the world. I still get angry looking back on times my vulnerability was exploited. Or times I exploited it in others. I still get angry full stop. But, despite what that dark part of my mind tries to tell me, these things do not define me. We do what we can in difficult periods of our lives with the tools we have at that time. You are weak before you are strong. When you’ve clawed your way out of a hole just to worry about the dirt under your fingernails then you have missed the point.
I want to let you all know that the only thing any of us can do is to go into 2018 with the intention of growing as people, and helping each other to do so. We have to let go of anything that stops us from being able to do that. Let go. Forgive. Love. It’s all we can do. I will always miss my nana. I will always miss Jordan. I will always miss Hogie. The losses still stop my in my tracks and takes my breath away with the sheer shock of it. How can everything just turn to nothing? It’s unfathomable. But there is no denying these were beautiful people. They led beautiful lives despite the ending. They were loved fiercely and always will be. Their contributions to my life have been absolutely priceless and I feel so blessed to have had them close to me. I don’t know where we will meet again and I don’t know what this is the foreword to, but I do know that thanks to you all (here or not), I am ready to find out.
Let’s start with the elephant in the room shall we? We lost some amazing people this year. People who didn’t deserve to leave us this early. Lost by people who didn’t deserve to lose them. I’ve never known cruelty like it, and I don’t think I believe in God any more. I look back on Christmas just two years ago, before it all went wrong and we were so unaware of how lucky we were. But maybe, someday in the future, we’ll be saying the same of today.
The loss faced this year has really ran a few things home to me. In my life I’ve treat some very good people very badly, and I’ve treat some very bad people very good. But here’s the thing, I’ve learned that there are no bad people. There are only weak people. This doesn’t change the hurt we all have the potential to cause, but it does give us a more honest reflection. I don’t say this from a place of strength, I’ve learned this through experience. Weakness is not about pain, though the two can come hand in hand. Weakness is about surrendering to that pain, and letting it become who you are. This is different from becoming overwhelmed by pain, I don’t think this is surrendering to it but rather drowning in it. Either way, they, you, and everyone else deserves better.
The main thing in mind is what my goals will be for 2018. Is it possible to salvage it from the aftershocks of this year? I’m not sure it is, and to be honest I’m not sure I want to. I don’t want to sweep it all aside. I want to keep the things I’ve learned from people in my toolkit, I have a feeling I’ll need it. 2018 is venturing into the unknown, which once I would have found exciting, but now it feels somewhat daunting. I’ve made a lot of progress, on and off for the past year. I’m discovering who I am, which has required a lot of digging through layers of insecurity and defence mechanisms then crawling my way back out again. Which, in itself is difficult. But, it is by no means the beginning and end of the journey. It can be a very painful journey to discover some very simple truths; the main one being that I am human.
For far too long I have ran my life around my ego, and then the damage I’ve caused in trying to protect it. I know I am far from alone in this, but when it comes to specifics we are often left feeling alone. I’ve been set on self destruct for a long time and was determined to take people with me. I’ve been very angry with myself for a long time. I’ve been very angry with the world. I still get angry looking back on times my vulnerability was exploited. Or times I exploited it in others. I still get angry full stop. But, despite what that dark part of my mind tries to tell me, these things do not define me. We do what we can in difficult periods of our lives with the tools we have at that time. You are weak before you are strong. When you’ve clawed your way out of a hole just to worry about the dirt under your fingernails then you have missed the point.
I want to let you all know that the only thing any of us can do is to go into 2018 with the intention of growing as people, and helping each other to do so. We have to let go of anything that stops us from being able to do that. Let go. Forgive. Love. It’s all we can do. I will always miss my nana. I will always miss Jordan. I will always miss Hogie. The losses still stop my in my tracks and takes my breath away with the sheer shock of it. How can everything just turn to nothing? It’s unfathomable. But there is no denying these were beautiful people. They led beautiful lives despite the ending. They were loved fiercely and always will be. Their contributions to my life have been absolutely priceless and I feel so blessed to have had them close to me. I don’t know where we will meet again and I don’t know what this is the foreword to, but I do know that thanks to you all (here or not), I am ready to find out.
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