I had felt her

I had felt her,
her stare on the back of my neck
in English class
crawling up the nape of my neck
and choking me until I couldn't speak.

I had felt her,
perfume climb its way into my fibres
after I asked her to be my girlfriend
electricity shooting up my arm
and jazz music in my head.

I had felt her,
lips brush against mine
throwing me off a guard I didn't have
while she shot arrows into my heart
bleeding all I have for her.

I had felt her,
smile travel through the air
as I lifted her veil
and promised her something
I had promised a thousand times before

I had felt her,
warmth on our honeymoon night
a mesh of flesh and breath
silent insecurities
could read the 'do not disturb' sign

I had felt her,
as she nearly broke my knuckles
squeezing my hand
as she brought new life into the world
I told her she's doing well
while I hold the bitter puke in my throat

I had felt her,
tears when they all left for college or marriage,
decades seem like days
when the sun is always shining
as it was with her.

I had felt her,
as I held her weak hands
and told her how much I loved her
as the heart moniter slowly stopped
and I felt her, leave.

Noir

"There's a word for women like you. But it's not used in polite society. Outside of a kennel"

I don't know how we got here

I don't know what we did

I keep catching myself standing

here, looking at you kid.

I saw her standing by the jukebox

cigarette and what not

I asked her what she likes to drink

she replied "whaddya got?"

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship

and we played as time goes by

she told me to fasten my seat belt

because we're in for a bumpy ride

Music was playing in the distance

pitched at not far off regret

I thought that things were dangerous

but I ain't seen nothin' yet.

She leans in a little for a kiss

"I'm ready for my closeup"

then she tried to sit on my lap

while I was still standing up

I soon find out shes not a drinker

Turns out she's just a drunk

She wants to die wrapped in carpet

In some handsome killers trunk

I tell her if I fall for her

Then love truly is blind

Of all the gin joints in all the world

Why'd you walk into mine?

Her Bette Davis eyes were screaming

"Do you know who I am?!"

And I tell her that quite frankly my dear,

I do not give a damn.

Freezing

I once met a guy
who had good taste in books
he made up for in brains
what he was lacking in looks

he was good with his tongue
he was good with his hands
he laughs at bad jokes
and pretends he understands

I ask if he wants me
he says that he might
I lift up my shirt
"you can look if you like"

and when he looked up
I lifted my shirt
I opened my ribs
and showed him my hurt

I told him its cruel
that he could be so nice
because instead of a heart
I've a block of ice

I showed him my pain
and I asked if he felt it
I gave him my heart
and told him to melt it

my rib cage is empty
my thoughts uncontrolled
he told me he can't
because he too is cold

I wanted him badly
I wanted him mine
I was the kids tongue
he was the frozen stop sign

But I back away slowly
watching my breath
and I ran away
before I freeze to death.

Space

They say you can never actually touch something

there will always be an atom sized space between you and anything

because that's how things work

the thing is sometimes you feel it and sometimes you don't

I am increasingly aware of the billions upon trillions of atoms between me and each person

so far away, a couple of feet in front of me

so far that their words get lost in the distance somewhere and never actually touch me

everybody is just a blur in the distance they are so far, so many centimeters from me and I feel every atom.

The closer you get to me the more atoms, the more centimeters I feel crushing me 

smothering me until I can't breath

and every single breath is so loud I think you'll hurt me

when you kiss me I try to remember that nothing can ever touch me because nothing can touch anything

the atoms are down my throat and in my stomach and the electrons are bouncing around everywhere

you're the closest thing to me when all I have is space